One Bad Day Effects Everything

After a productive & enjoyable weekend, I’m disappointed to say that I’m just not feeling it today. It’s interesting how life can go from up to down in a matter of seconds. Not saying that my situation is worse than anyone else’s because I know people go through this every single day, and it doesn’t phase them, but this is a long line of “hints” the universe seems to be giving me about one of my hobbies. Of course, I think that it’s due to my illness and reaction to issues back in September/October.

A little back story – I had my first stage managing gig this past summer. It was for a play festival (8 shows over 2 weekends with over 40 cast members & 8 directors/writers). I was excited to tackle this challenge, but didn’t realize that it was too much for a first time stage manager to handle on their own. Unfortunately my anxiety got the best of me, and instead of having a good time, I ended up miserable & frustrated. I lasted the whole preparation process & the first weekend of performances, then had to bow out due to the illness. I couldn’t even finish what I started. I was relieved and frustrated at the same time. This was when I decided to take another hiatus from theater.

Fast forward two months. I decide to try to get back into things slowly by going back to my roots of make-up & hair. However, I’m not chosen for this role either. Mostly because the task is usually reserved for a first time student, and the veterans aren’t usually called upon unless no one volunteers. Glad they got someone.

Then comes the coup de gras, the event I look forward to all year & have the most fun with since I started doing it two years ago. I had fun at auditions, and thought that there were enough roles for all the people auditioning, because it’s not a true acting gig. I guess I was cocky thinking that I’d be a shoe-in because I’ve been doing this for 2 years, but alas I find that I was not chosen this year. Now instead of shrugging this off as another disappointing event, I am seeing it as a strong suggestion from the universe that I should move on.

I considered moving on when all the stuff happened in September, because I was very frustrated & jaded, and I certainly let people know. I’m sure that was the downfall. I’m an emotional being, and when I’m struck by anxiety & depression, I tend to lash out & give my full opinion & feelings on a subject. This is usually leads to animosity & disgust with me by others & eventually by me. But I move on thinking that I just got it off my chest, when in reality I’ve alienated people, and will probably not be asked to do whatever again. Small community this is, as word travels faster than a virus.

So, here I am, paying the price for my actions several months ago. What I find interesting is that I can’t distinguish my paranoia from reality. I feel that this failure is direct result of someone being offended, and hence passing it down. Then there’s the reality of it probably being because there were so many people who auditioned. However, knowing this event like I do, and how many roles are available, it’s really difficult for me to swallow.

Granted I am probably being paranoid about this, and reading way too much into it, thus not giving my friends the benefit of the doubt, but my gut tells me otherwise. If I were in the situation, what would I do? I wouldn’t ask me to participate either. What happens if I lose it again? Would I make life horrible for other people? Would I even want to take the chance, even though there has never been a problem with this specific role in the past?

I’m not in those shoes, so I cannot judge, nor can I predict. I’d love explanation, but in reality, not having one helps – then again also leaves interpretation WAY OPEN, which is not a good thing for me. This is just another demonstration of insecurity, fueled by disillusion & conjecture based from rejection.

Should I tell myself to get over it? Yes. Will I? Eventually. For now, I’ll probably be depressed & feel sorry for myself. I’ll do the rash things I always do, then go from there. It’s just the way it is. There are realities that I hate to accept, but this is one of them. I’ll have backlash again, and will probably lose relationships yet again, but part of that is my fault. I guess some of what I have done in the past, and made friends from was fleeting & fun while it lasted. Then simply vanished as easily as the snow in the spring.

This Nearly Made Me Physically Sick

As an educator, and someone who has sought employment as a teacher/educator in the area, the two most recent stories of sexual impropriety by teachers toward students make me sick! I can’t get a job here because I have prior teaching experience & a master’s degree in education, so the districts would rather pay the low grade for a new graduate than the higher amount for a seasoned teacher. That’s fact. So, this is simply… no words for it. PS – I was still in high school in 1989 when he started assaulting students, and only got reprimands. Sick!

Touch gets ex-teacher 60 days

By Paul Nelson Staff Writer

Albany Times Union

Published: 08:44 p.m., Wednesday, October 20, 2010

EAST GREENBUSH — Bernard ”Bernie” Watt, a high school gym teacher for 20 years, was sentenced to 60 days in jail and three years of probation Wednesday for forcibly touching a female student last year during gym class, Rensselaer County District Attorney Richard McNally said.

Watt must also register as a sex offender pay a $250 fine, McNally said.

Watt, 49, a former Columbia High School gym teacher and soccer coach, was found guilty in May after a trial in Town Court of touching a student’s breasts at the school in February 2009.

Watt was found guilty on charges of endangering the welfare of a child and forcible touching for the incident that occurred during a basketball drill in the high school gym.

In December, 2009, Watt was fired by the East Greenbush district after he was found guilty of misconduct following a state Education Department hearing. According to the hearing minutes, the victim said she and Watt were running in opposite directions, bumped into each other and Watt then touched her breasts twice and said, “I’m gonna get you.”

In his defense, Watt told hearing officers the gym incident was unintentional contact and that he did not utter the words.

The charge “is implausible because of the unlikelihood that any teacher would engage in an intentional inappropriate sexual act with a student in the middle of a gym class,” Watt told hearing officers.

Officers at that hearing also heard evidence of a separate incident during a soccer practice in September 2008 when Watt yelled, “Hey Hispanic kid, run like you are running to the border,” according to a copy of the minutes and decisions of a state Education Department teacher tenure hearing. Watt said his words were misunderstood and by the “border” he meant the edge of the field.

Hearing officer James Markowitz concluded after hearing testimony on both incidents from witnesses, including several students, that the district should fire Watt.

Markowitz noted in his decision for termination, that Watt, who worked for the district since 1989, accepted a reprimand in 2002 for making sexually inappropriate remarks to a female student after being warned following a similar incident in 1998.

Officers also said Watt faced a tenure hearing in 2005 during which he was found guilty of harassment for inappropriate sexual comments to a female student.

An arbitrator determined at the time that Watt should be fired if he again made similar remarks.

Watt, who played professional soccer and has coached at area schools, is noted nationally as a specialist in coaching goalies. He runs a soccer training facility at his Schodack home.

What Do YOU Think?

I know I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been buried by work.  But while looking at CNN.com during my rarely taken lunch break I found this.

News sites reining in nasty user comments

I am REALLY interested in your thoughts on this, ESPECIALLY if you blog, anonymously comment on blogs, etc.  Is this too much policing? Should people have the right to be anonymous? Should they be held accountable for what they say behind the screen?

Above My Pay Grade

I’ve heard the phrase used several times in movies with regard to why something is secret. I sense that the writers use it to show that those higher up know more about what’s going on than those who do the real work. In some ways I agree with that, in others not so much.

Little background: I work for a “company” and have a specific job that I do, although my job title can be used for various other positions within this “company.” I have always been one to volunteer to do something a little extra, so it keeps my job fresh and keeps me updated on a lot of technical innovations that are becoming more and more prevalent in the work place.

These include easy jobs like creating a spreadsheet for people to use and share information so a report can be created later, to creating a form cover sheet to make something look more professional than simply attaching the email notice to the enclosures of items that are being mailed to clients. I have absolutely no problem with that. Those are so easy to me, that I can knock one out in less than 15 minutes usually, unless I feel like a design fiend, and then it takes me longer, but that’s me.

When I first started this job a few years ago, I noticed there was an organizational piece (database) that was not maintained properly. Therefore there were several problems logging information and finding this information after the fact. I found this because one of my first duties was to enter the information into said database, thus I became very familiar with it. Now, I’m familiar with a LOT of programs that have been distributed by our “friends” at Microsoft, but I am less familiar with Access.  This database is in fact Access based.

When I worked for a large university in Texas, we used an Oracle database to keep track of our students, the room assignments, even judicial hearing issues. It was quite nice and organized for 1996-1998. However, I am not an Oracle developer, much less a database developer, so going through and learning Access from the ground up was my only option. So, for the past three years I have purchased, and read materials hoping to learn the in’s and out’s of Access, with hopes of creating a functional database. The problem is that there is so much information that needs to be entered into this database (that’s easy – it’s simply tables), but to access the information and make sure it is entered correctly is the tough part.

As a layperson, and not necessarily the most knowledgeable techie in the world, I learn by doing. My boyfriend can attest to that, no matter how I frustrate him when I want to “do it myself” like a six year old. But it helps me learn. If I were to actually take a class on Access development and design, or even VBA language programming, I would probably be more well versed in the issues I face, however because the “company” I work for has no money, I cannot request to attend these classes that cost in excess of $1000 all inclusive. So, I try to find everything on the internet and in books. I went so far as to buy the Access for Dummies book, which is actually a good deal!

Here’s my little frustration with this. With ALL the work I do technically, and, although limited, that I know about code, I could do well in IT. In fact, my boyfriend once suggested I take the state IT test, just to see. I am versed enough to be my bureau’s “help desk.” And what I can’t answer, I call the actual “help desk.”

I don’t mind working with Access, as long as I don’t start going stir crazy (which I usually do after spending three whole days on one issue). What I don’t like is that, although I can put it down as “experience” it really doesn’t qualify as “experience.” I will be able to use it in other administrative capacities, but it won’t take me very far in the IT world. Which is disappointing. I just wish I knew more so I could create SQL on my own, and get our area out of the dark ages, but that’s not always possible.

So, if anyone knows of a good, free way to learn more about Access, specifically the coding (VBA) I would be grateful! I do not plan to do this outside work, because, well, I don’t get paid to do it outside work! So, I’m back to the grind doing what I do best. Learn something beyond my pay grade.

Luke Martland (46th District)

As I mentioned earlier, I was at the Gay Pride event this weekend, and I marched for Kirsten Gillibrand. I actually wore a shirt and stickers. I noticed, while I took photos, a banner for Luke Martland for NY State Senate. I wasn’t sure who he was, but wanted to find out. So, I was happy when a woman stopped my group to talk about him a bit. It was nice because I recognized her from the bus I ride to work each morning (state employee shuttle), so that was a good sign. I signed up for email updates on the campaign. I also met Mr. Martland, and though I was not able to engage him in a discussion about his stance during the event, I was able to sign his petition for candidacy at the NYS Democratic Primary.

This morning I received my first email regarding the campaign. As I read the summary of his involvement in the Gay Pride event, I learned that Mr. Martland is gay himself. If elected he would be one of two gay senators for New York, the other being a NYC representative.  He also published his web page, as I would expect, for further research on his stance and promises. I tend to look at these with a grain of salt, because many times they are so vague that they can be twisted to mean something else.  So, I looked for something more, especially where he stands with this whole budget debacle.

I found an interview that he did that was posted on The Albany Project. He talks details of what he would do to resolve the furlough issue, which is now a moot point, but it is interesting what he talked about as a resolution, rather than simply saying it shouldn’t be done.

Mr. Martland is challenging Neil Breslin for the Democratic nomination for NY State Senate. *NOTE: This is NOT for US Senate. That’s Kirsten Gillibrand who took over for Hillary Clinton – there was some confusion on Sunday.

I will let you read his information for yourselves, and make your decisions accordingly. Please voice your opinion. I would like to be able to find answers to questions that I have not yet thought of, and that’s where readers come to play. I will add more links as I find them throughout the day/week, etc.

Here is where you can find out more information on Luke Martland’s campaign.

• Profile from Albany Times Union.
• Candidacy Announcement as reported by Albany Times Union.
• Several articles/blogs from WIKIO.

Researching for November

It's almost that time again.

I participated in the Gay Pride event this past weekend and enjoyed marching for a cause that I believe in. I even supported my first ever candidate openly in public. I don’t usually participate actively in politics, as it is an uncomfortable topic for me, because of the issues I stand for, and all the years I spent living in “red” states. Now that I live in a “bluer” state, I find people who are more like-minded. With the recent issues surrounding state government and the budget that is actually going to affect me personally, I decided it was time to do some real research in the candidates for office in November, as the entire NY State Legislature is up for re-election. In coming weeks I hope to find those individuals running for re-election as well as those challenging these incumbents during the primaries.

I want to be impartial and post everyone, but I can’t in good conscience do that. I do not wish to endorse any candidate, but want to give information on those candidates who support the causes that I believe in, and want to make improvements where they need to be. I understand that politicians are just that, politicians, and will say/do anything for a vote, but it’s still good to know who’s out there and what they’re willing to do.

In the coming days I will focus on whomever I find on the net, some of their interviews, as well as their campaign pages, so everyone can judge for themselves. I encourage questions, and discussion. I will not moderate comments, however if they become personal attacks & name calling, I reserve the right to delete & ban the comment. I hope readers understand and can hold themselves to a higher standard of behavior.

The first candidate will be forth coming.

REALLY Bad Day

I guess it’s time for me to stop procrastinating about all the events of the day that culminated in a severe depressive state for me by 2pm and hasn’t quite let up yet, despite my efforts to keep my mind positive & do things that are conducive to getting out of said “funk.”

My therapist says that talking things out is good for me. I’m not a fan of talking, per se, especially when it comes to emotions. So, I will do the next best thing. I will write until my fingers fall off, or I get to a good stopping point. I’m sure all my readers out there will just LOVE this! **NOTE – If I thought my readership was slipping before, it will go negative now.**

So, for those of you who do not know, I have a mental illness most recently referred to as bipolar depressive disorder. It’s also been known as manic-depression, severe depression, psycho social disorder, and personality disorder. Before that we were just called crazy, doped up on tranquilizers, or self medicated with alcohol and walked through life like zombies. You see the movies with the people in the sanitariums? The ones walking around like they’re sleep walking? Yes, those folks are most likely bipolar, but the doctors didn’t know it.

So, what does it mean that I’m bipolar depressive. Good question! Let me get out the DSM IV and get you a definition…. please hold…. wait, I don’t have one of those because they weigh 10,000 tons, which is why it stays at my therapists office. Ahhhh!  In a nutshell, for me, bipolar depressive disorder means that:

1) I can change moods at the drop of a hat. No, really. I can go from the happiest person in the world, to crying for no reason given the right trigger.

2) I have severe anger issues. Yes, I get mad; really mad. I’m not violent, but I will speak of violence. I also talk like a sailor when I’m really pissed off. The “F-bomb” is my favorite pissed off word!

3) When I’m manic it seems like I’m really happy, and energetic, and running around doing all sorts of things like I can’t sit down and it’s really a lot like reading a run-on sentence, or talking to Jordan from “Real Genius” who has a memorable line where she doesn’t breathe,

“I never sleep, I don’t know why. I had a roommate and I drove her nuts, I mean really nuts, they had to take her away in an ambulance and everything. But she’s okay now, but she had to transfer to an easier school, but I don’t know if that had anything to do with being my fault. But listen, if you ever need to talk or you need help studying just let me know, ’cause I’m just a couple doors down from you guys and I never sleep, okay?”

4) The “depressive” word. That’s a big part of my flavor of bipolar. I am severe depressive. How depressive is severe? Let’s put that into perspective of my day today.

Prickly is the Best Definition

On topic blog for a change, can you believe it?

It’s amazing that I can appear to be in good spirits on my blog when I feel like complete crap in real life! I’ve gotten enough sleep over the past several days, which is great for me. I woke up this morning wondering why I had to go to work. I’m unsure of the reason of the dread, but it was definitely there. I went to work, and I was here for an hour before my head started to ache. Took an allergy pill and found some saline, so it feels a little better. The spot where I cracked my skull hurts like a bitch, but that’s to be expected. So, I’m feeling a little better physically. Now my tolerance for stupidity is at the brim.

It’s one of those days where I’m prickly. That’s the best definition. If someone touches me it feels like electricity to me, and any sort of stimulation is just too much. I can’t usually hear people talking around me, because I’ve learned to tune them out, but today I’m really sensitive, and it’s starting to bother me. Usually that’s a sign of a migraine, but my head doesn’t hurt like a migraine. The other is a symptom of anxiety, which is most definitely possible.

I had some anxiety issues yesterday that surfaced. I didn’t recognize it right away and thought it was depression. M’s been gone for nearly a week now, so it’s really quiet in the house. You never know that you’re going to miss someone that much until they’re gone for a certain period of time. I guess my “homesickness” begins after 6 days, or when I’m not busy doing something. I realized yesterday that I didn’t have any of my anxiety meds with me, and tried to remind myself last night to put some in my purse for today, but alas.

So, now I’m sitting here wanting the people I work with to stop yelling at each other having an outdoor voice conversation, but being passive aggressive about it by putting on my headphones because I don’t want to piss anyone off. This is one of those days where things are getting to me when they shouldn’t. Maybe I should have taken a mental health day, but I’m trying not to do that. It seems that I have to take one day a month for health reasons, which leaves very few days for actual sick/vacation days. I’m trying to really curb the feeling to just take the day.

I need to hit Yoga classes after work to help balance myself. The training sessions are great, because they get my mind off of everything else and on what I need to get done. They’re an exclamation point to the end of my day, especially when I accomplish something I didn’t used to be able to do. That’s been a rarity these days since the car accident, but I’m getting back up there.

It’s time to tell the therapist about some of the things that are going on. I’m unsure if it’s normal, and I’m just now recognizing this stuff, or if it’s new. It’s difficult to differentiate between the neurological issues from the car accident from the issues that I’ve dealt with most my life. Confusion abounds!

Gotta get into my own head and get things balanced before I go off the deep end and take it out on the wrong person. The last thing M. needs is for me to be in a pissy mood when he gets home later this week, and get into it with him for no reason other than the pent up emotions.  Gotta find an outlet today & tomorrow that’s not self-destructive. Not going out drinking with friends tonight, gonna take big kitty to the vet. Tomorrow is therapy, so that’s a good thing. Don’t think I have anything on Thursday, and Friday is training, then maybe karaoke. That will definitely get my mind off things, if I can last that long.

I simply love having a mental illness and a neurological disorder. The combination of the two make for a fabulous day. 

Realization

I didn’t realize this until recently, when the other blog that I write for started getting some active use. I am not the only blogger there, so several of us blog about different topics, etc. We each have access to post, but can only accept/deny comments on our own posts. I have yet to block/deny someone’s post, unless it’s obviously spam (I hate those).

Over the past couple of days, I’ve gone on that blog to check for comments on my most recent post. I had a couple yesterday and saw that there were several outstanding. I read through the comments, and they were really valid points. Some were quite critical of the issue, blogger, commenters, but generally were all in good taste and not in violation of the TOS. I figured the other bloggers hadn’t gotten to approving the comments.

I go back today and find that there are at least five more comments that haven’t been posted. Then I notice some in the “trash” that are valid comments, that were simply discarded for one reason or another. I find that, interesting isn’t the word, but puzzling.

I’m not a fan of criticism, unless it’s positive of course, but having someone come out and say what they mean, even if it isn’t the nicest way possible can be refreshing (yet infuriating at the same time.) I appreciate that people comment on my blog, and my posts on the other blog. I’ve even posted my response to an error made. No big deal, at least the person pointing it out knew that I read it and took it into consideration. I guess it bothers me, and it really shouldn’t, that other people writing for the same blog I do will simply not post a comment because they don’t agree with it, or can’t be bothered to check for them, since they are moderated.

What are your thoughts?

I actually DO blog on occasion.

SEE!