After a productive & enjoyable weekend, I’m disappointed to say that I’m just not feeling it today. It’s interesting how life can go from up to down in a matter of seconds. Not saying that my situation is worse than anyone else’s because I know people go through this every single day, and it doesn’t phase them, but this is a long line of “hints” the universe seems to be giving me about one of my hobbies. Of course, I think that it’s due to my illness and reaction to issues back in September/October.
A little back story – I had my first stage managing gig this past summer. It was for a play festival (8 shows over 2 weekends with over 40 cast members & 8 directors/writers). I was excited to tackle this challenge, but didn’t realize that it was too much for a first time stage manager to handle on their own. Unfortunately my anxiety got the best of me, and instead of having a good time, I ended up miserable & frustrated. I lasted the whole preparation process & the first weekend of performances, then had to bow out due to the illness. I couldn’t even finish what I started. I was relieved and frustrated at the same time. This was when I decided to take another hiatus from theater.
Fast forward two months. I decide to try to get back into things slowly by going back to my roots of make-up & hair. However, I’m not chosen for this role either. Mostly because the task is usually reserved for a first time student, and the veterans aren’t usually called upon unless no one volunteers. Glad they got someone.
Then comes the coup de gras, the event I look forward to all year & have the most fun with since I started doing it two years ago. I had fun at auditions, and thought that there were enough roles for all the people auditioning, because it’s not a true acting gig. I guess I was cocky thinking that I’d be a shoe-in because I’ve been doing this for 2 years, but alas I find that I was not chosen this year. Now instead of shrugging this off as another disappointing event, I am seeing it as a strong suggestion from the universe that I should move on.
I considered moving on when all the stuff happened in September, because I was very frustrated & jaded, and I certainly let people know. I’m sure that was the downfall. I’m an emotional being, and when I’m struck by anxiety & depression, I tend to lash out & give my full opinion & feelings on a subject. This is usually leads to animosity & disgust with me by others & eventually by me. But I move on thinking that I just got it off my chest, when in reality I’ve alienated people, and will probably not be asked to do whatever again. Small community this is, as word travels faster than a virus.
So, here I am, paying the price for my actions several months ago. What I find interesting is that I can’t distinguish my paranoia from reality. I feel that this failure is direct result of someone being offended, and hence passing it down. Then there’s the reality of it probably being because there were so many people who auditioned. However, knowing this event like I do, and how many roles are available, it’s really difficult for me to swallow.
Granted I am probably being paranoid about this, and reading way too much into it, thus not giving my friends the benefit of the doubt, but my gut tells me otherwise. If I were in the situation, what would I do? I wouldn’t ask me to participate either. What happens if I lose it again? Would I make life horrible for other people? Would I even want to take the chance, even though there has never been a problem with this specific role in the past?
I’m not in those shoes, so I cannot judge, nor can I predict. I’d love explanation, but in reality, not having one helps – then again also leaves interpretation WAY OPEN, which is not a good thing for me. This is just another demonstration of insecurity, fueled by disillusion & conjecture based from rejection.
Should I tell myself to get over it? Yes. Will I? Eventually. For now, I’ll probably be depressed & feel sorry for myself. I’ll do the rash things I always do, then go from there. It’s just the way it is. There are realities that I hate to accept, but this is one of them. I’ll have backlash again, and will probably lose relationships yet again, but part of that is my fault. I guess some of what I have done in the past, and made friends from was fleeting & fun while it lasted. Then simply vanished as easily as the snow in the spring.