I guess it’s time for me to stop procrastinating about all the events of the day that culminated in a severe depressive state for me by 2pm and hasn’t quite let up yet, despite my efforts to keep my mind positive & do things that are conducive to getting out of said “funk.”
My therapist says that talking things out is good for me. I’m not a fan of talking, per se, especially when it comes to emotions. So, I will do the next best thing. I will write until my fingers fall off, or I get to a good stopping point. I’m sure all my readers out there will just LOVE this! **NOTE – If I thought my readership was slipping before, it will go negative now.**
So, for those of you who do not know, I have a mental illness most recently referred to as bipolar depressive disorder. It’s also been known as manic-depression, severe depression, psycho social disorder, and personality disorder. Before that we were just called crazy, doped up on tranquilizers, or self medicated with alcohol and walked through life like zombies. You see the movies with the people in the sanitariums? The ones walking around like they’re sleep walking? Yes, those folks are most likely bipolar, but the doctors didn’t know it.
So, what does it mean that I’m bipolar depressive. Good question! Let me get out the DSM IV and get you a definition…. please hold…. wait, I don’t have one of those because they weigh 10,000 tons, which is why it stays at my therapists office. Ahhhh! In a nutshell, for me, bipolar depressive disorder means that:
1) I can change moods at the drop of a hat. No, really. I can go from the happiest person in the world, to crying for no reason given the right trigger.
2) I have severe anger issues. Yes, I get mad; really mad. I’m not violent, but I will speak of violence. I also talk like a sailor when I’m really pissed off. The “F-bomb” is my favorite pissed off word!
3) When I’m manic it seems like I’m really happy, and energetic, and running around doing all sorts of things like I can’t sit down and it’s really a lot like reading a run-on sentence, or talking to Jordan from “Real Genius” who has a memorable line where she doesn’t breathe,
“I never sleep, I don’t know why. I had a roommate and I drove her nuts, I mean really nuts, they had to take her away in an ambulance and everything. But she’s okay now, but she had to transfer to an easier school, but I don’t know if that had anything to do with being my fault. But listen, if you ever need to talk or you need help studying just let me know, ’cause I’m just a couple doors down from you guys and I never sleep, okay?”
4) The “depressive” word. That’s a big part of my flavor of bipolar. I am severe depressive. How depressive is severe? Let’s put that into perspective of my day today.
Alarm goes off, but I’ve just been dead asleep, so I let it snooze for 5 minutes. I get up and do normal get ready stuff. I realize a short time later (not), that it’s already 8:10am. I’m usually out by 8am. I’m not even dressed at this time, nor do I have any of my workout clothes ready. So I do that quickly. Then I get ready to leave. My BF informs me that my truck has less than a quarter tank of gas (because I left his car that low a couple of weeks ago), so I’ll have to fill it later, in my mind I’m saying, oh great, thanks a lot dick head, you REALLY got me there, but on the outside I lash out a little and try to leave for the day, EXCEPT I can’t find my keys. I have the car key, but the house & office keys are no where to be found. I spend the next 15 minutes searching, to no avail. By this time I am LIVID! I haven’t found my keys, I’m late, and I don’t have any gas. Now I have to deal with morning traffic. >>>FFWD>>> I get to the park & ride in time to get a bus. By this time I am really near tears I am so frustrated. So, I take a seat and get out my ID for work, and see something wedged under my cell phone & iPod. My keys. Great! Ok, so that’s better, now I have to calm down. But because I went into a manic state, it’s not going to be a simple “calm down” it’s going to come to a crash.
I get to work, get some coffee & breakfast & head up to the office. I think I’m late, when I’m actually on time, but NO ONE else is in the office (they are all scheduled to get to work 15-30 minutes before me. So, that sets me off. I quickly cool off from that, because it’s a daily thing and I’ve learned to just go, oh well. But I do inform my coworkers of my crappy morning, and that I’m in a pissy mood, so forgive my shortness if I say something off color.
Start work. Things get frustrating throughout the day. People doing things they know they’re not supposed to do; people asking questions about topics they should already know the answer to, or at least where they can find it; complaints coming in; and me not wanting to play. By 11am I want to burst into tears!
I check some email & messages. I get a couple that make me think, “hmmm, that could be interesting,” and continue with the day. Later I get a message regarding the “interesting” and it’s more disappointing for me (as selfish as I am) but good for the other person. However, I am unable to get passed the “Oh poor me” stage. Lovely.
By now, it’s 2pm, I haven’t eaten anything except some goldfish, and I am not hungry at all. I don’t want to do anything, but I need to get things done (which I do). Then the questions come from coworkers about what’s going to happen with the extender, like I’m a legislative aide and can see into the minds of the assembly and know their vote. It’s called LOOK IT UP YOUR OWN DAMN SELF!!
Finally it’s 5pm, I pack up to go home. I get here, change into comfy clothes & check my Facebook. I do this mindlessly because I really don’t want to face anything else. M. comes home & talks with me for a little while. He tries to use Natasha (our cat) to help cheer me up. She just wants to go on the porch, so isn’t into the cuddling/playing mood. It’s all good, she’s a kitty. But by this time I can’t hold it in, so I cry a little bit. Not a lot, but enough to try to get some of it out. (I hate crying!)
So, I have been at home since 5:30pm. I considered going to Pilates at 7pm, but was still in the bad/sad mindset, so I stayed home. I messed around Facebook playing stupid mindless games that everyone hates, until I was able to collect my thoughts enough to figure out what needed to be done. I talked with my trainer for a few minutes, and decided that I needed to get my stuff down “on paper” as it would be called before blogging. Hence, this lovely entry.
So, for about 90% of the day today, I’ve wanted to cry. I mean watch “Old Yeller” cry, just to feel better, because getting into a fight with M is not my idea of fun & ends up with me going into the “Steel Magnolia’s” crying fit. It’s not pretty, and I’m pretty swollen for the next couple of days; but I hold it all in for appearances. I come home, and I still don’t let loose. I’m not sure why yet, but I’m sure something will hit me.
So, now it’s nearly 10pm, time for me to get ready for sleep. I’ve found that I do work tomorrow, thanks to some creative shenanigans by assembly republicans. I will sleep tonight, and probably dream of ick, but should have a better day tomorrow.
That’s one thing I genuinely try to do is have a better day the next day. Those are hard to come by when there’s a severe down involved, but it does get easier over time, and the drugs help. So, until I can laugh at myself again, I will finish my day as I usually do, try to relax and sleep. Let’s hope I don’t have bad dreams tonight. I prefer the one’s where I’ve gone out to dinner with friends from high school, who are now grown, who have just come from the Tony awards. I could use that dream again.
*NOTE: Do not be afraid to ask questions, especially if you’ve always been curious about this, but didn’t know what to ask, or how people would react. I’m pretty good at responding to questions. If you want to ask privately, I’m certainly open to that. Just let me know in your message that you have a question, and be sure you’ve entered your email correctly, and I’ll contact you outside the forum.