I’ve been doing some thinking as to the next topic for my blog, and have been doing reading on Fibromyalgia, for educational purposes (educating the public), but it’s difficult to put some “meat” on that topic. Then recently, I found myself subject to a dual diagnosis, and similar side effects. I know some people may find these issues as laziness, but in reality, if you look into it further, it’s more serious, and less about laziness.
For me, I’ve had a particularly difficult week dealing with the issues of being an adult, and having to hold people accountable for their actions, or lack thereof. On top of that the weather is changing, which makes my life more miserable with headaches and all-over body aches, which are debilitating. There is so much information online, in books, etc about the side effects of depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia, and as I suffer from all three, the side effects can compound and become more cumbersome to me, and frustrating to my partner. So, to understand myself, I try to read as much as I can. I turn to the internet nine times out of ten.
On a site called eZine Articles, I found one titled “Recognizing Side Effects of Depression”, which outlines some of the issues that I’ve been dealing with lately.
Someone living with depression has many different feelings to try and deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes these can become so overwhelming that it is almost impossible to get through each day. There are a lot of mental depression side effects that these people have to deal with. For instance, depression interferes with both your personal and professional life by making it harder for you to deal with normal events. If you are dealing with depression, then you may find it hard to get out of bed for fear of what the day may bring. You may experience insomnia or you may find yourself wanting to sleep all the time. Either way you will feel tired and worn out all the time.
A depressed person will have very low energy levels and feel tired and worn out even when they first get out of bed. You may feel lonely, sad and empty inside for no apparent reason. You will no longer enjoy going out with friends and doing the things that you use to do. In fact, you would much rather be at home alone where things are easier. Holding a conversation can even become difficult as simple decisions get harder to make. Basically, you begin to lose interest in everything that you use to care about and nothing really matters anymore.
Anyone who had ever dealt with depression knows this side effect. Hell, it’s ingrained in us due to the proliferation of new depression drug commercials, from those representing a rain cloud over a cartoon person, to people from all walks of life appearing in gray backgrounds, until the “miracle” drug snaps them out of it. While I like to believe that these drugs are the end-all be-all for sufferers of depression, they are not. I’ve been on so many cocktails, that I can’t remember when and what, unless it’s one that caused a bad reaction. I’ve talked with doctors until I couldn’t repeat myself any longer. I do so much research on my illnesses that I’ve had doctors tell me that I know more about something than they thought a patient would, which is nice to hear, but not so much when you know more than they do.
As someone who suffers from Bipolar Disorder, I have to be fully aware of what’s going on with me, and deal with it accordingly. I was in denial for over seven years. I am JUST NOW becoming comfortable with saying that I’m not “just tired” but I’m feeling “ugh” which can be translated into, “I’m having a down.” What’s hard for me is that my depression is so severe that my doctor has mentioned that she is happy that I am able to deal with it as well as I have. Most people with this kind of depression are on more severe medications, hospitalized or dead (due to suicide). I simply do what I can to survive. If that means succumbing to the tired feeling that can be attributed to laziness to some, so be it. I’d rather be labeled lazy that crazy any day, and twice on Tuesday.
This particular issue has hit me hard since January. I learned about stressors when I received my initial diagnosis. I had to look at what caused me to be depressed, what it was like, what I did, and what helped, which is why I am where I am now. In August I had one stressor that made the end of 2009 very difficult. I over-extended myself, began to resent what I was doing, didn’t care that there were good things happening in my life, so I was unhappy. In January I had another stressor, which should have been a happy event. But the stress was getting everything organized, moved, organized, unpacked, and moved again. I still haven’t done it all, and it’s not pleasant. I look at all the boxes in my house KNOWING that something has to be done, yet not doing it. I’m unsure of the feeling, whether it’s overwhelming, or if I simply don’t care. The deal is that I DO care, but I simply don’t know what to do with everything, even though there is plenty of room for all of it.
Back in February/March I started feeling a little more positive about some things, despite my new diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. That stressor nearly put me over the edge. So, I figured March would be the month. Then another big stressor hit, and I haven’t been in the mood to go through all of my stuff and organize it. I feel disorganized inside, and it looks like it in my home. Granted, it’s not as bad as Hoarders, but it’s certainly not good. Once I feel like I have control over the stress, another one hits me. This past weekend was an example. It’s not a HUGE stressor, but arguments and disagreements can be unpleasant, as can the reactions of the persons with whom you are disagreeing. It’s the concept of, I’m an adult and I feel that I’m doing the right thing, and they should know what the right thing is, but they are choosing NOT to do it, which is frustrating. Instead of taking the responsibility for doing the right thing, they are “called out on it,” and feel they are being forced to do what they don’t want to do, because they don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, and you’re simply being selfish. I accept that, but I don’t like how it feels, but once it’s all said and done, I’m hoping to feel better about things. If not, then I get to cross that bridge when I get to it.
So, although I haven’t been feeling it lately, I’m actually getting something accomplished. I am confronting something that I should have addressed last year when all this stress started. I’m hoping that by doing so, I can maintain my sanity and I don’t have to look at alternatives to happiness, by accepting someone else’s poor choices. That would force me to behave like a responsible, accepting adult. I should already be doing that though, so…